Welcome to the Workaday World

Does stability and maturity entail having to live with the monotonous day-to-day activities of the workaday world?

I ask... now that I have found myself in the boat where I wish to stay. (It's not yet a ship but I understand the value of hardwork to let this boat become one great ship.)

I find myself getting close to being depressed out of the lack of will to move. I dare not say that I am no longer interested. I still am. But the thing is the monotony is too imposing that I cannot make myself capable of moving out of the box—in terms of mind and body.

At this point, I wish to make two correlations .

One. Excitement has a direct correlation with novelty.

This is a dangerous fact for someone like me who is usually motivated by excitement. I like brainstorming sessions with peers and with... myself because I find excitement out of all the ideas that come out.

But when these sessions take place on a regular basis and I get to realize that not all great ideas are meant to happen, that's when all the excitement and motivation has dwindled.

Two. One's relationship with her career is similar to that with her boyfriend.

One must fall in love and stay in love. But staying in love is completely impossible to most couples in long term relationships. There are times when we start to feel as if we have lost our individuality because of being so much identified with our partners. Or we feel like the romance has faded, i.e. we tend to do the same things over and over again as a couple. Makes me think: if couples need some time apart to deal with their own individual problems, does this also apply to those with an employee-employer relationship?

This is actually where I am. It has just been 8 months and now I'm feeling this way. I honestly feel like I'm so sucked out of life. It's like I get up in the morning to primp myself up... making sure that I don't miss my SPF 30 sun block and eye cream and Kerastase serum before and after I set my hair. I leave the house at 6:30 am and feel like dying out of the same old songs playing on my iPod. I arrive at work to have breakfast and coffee, brush my teeth, put lipstick (even when nobody will really see me). I check e-mails, tick off tasks in my to-do lists, attend a bunch of meetings, meet with suppliers and whoevers and lastly, turn my computer off at 6 pm. I straighten my desk and myself to get ready for my sundo to pick me up at around 6:30. Then I try to entertain myself for an hour of travel. Of course, I look forward to holding my little girl close to me with her giggling and making her usual pa-cute gestures; completely innocent of what goes on inside her mother's head. But when I arrive home, I'm usually too tired to savor such moments or too stressed about dealing with household help who loses—if not stains or damages, my good underwear or the clothes that I feel like wearing for the next day.

Sometimes tantrums erupt out of me and ruin the peace and quiet of the whole house. And there, I feel like I lose all the peace and goodness in me.

I say things I do not really intend to say. I hurt people I love (and even came to love) in the process.

I lose the motivation to perform my role as someone who practices development and touches lives simply because I do not wish to become a hypocrite.

Five minutes ago, I just felt so bad for declining an employee's request for consideration to the scholarship program. I know how hard it is for them to send children to school, lalo na I know how hard it is to keep a family financially.

Well, they have not met the requirements.

But still I felt bad.

Even depressed.

And it's so much worse when I feel like I haven't been that good to the persons who I care more about. But you see, because they're so much closer, they have an easier access to my personal space. Correction: they have an easier way to trespass my personal space. And I? My knee-jerk reaction is to BARK! This, of course, as I have found out after a gazillion episodes of trespassing, has never been helpful.

I have a plan of action for this. But I'd rather not write about it.

I am so dead.

Hopefully, there's a sequel to be posted soon.