It’s been a while. It was hard at first. But the wounds have healed as separate lives are lived. However, one day, when they both least expect it, girl meets boy… again.
This is not a fantasy scenario. Time and again, men and women find themselves face-to-face with an ex — often unsure of whether to be open for relationships that range from the platonic to the romantic, or not.
It is said that when two former lovers remain friends, it can only either be that they are still in love with each other or are just carrying on the good sex. Can this be a general truth? How platonic can relationships with an ex really be? Are the typical 20 to 30-somethings open to second chances? If so, how likely is it then for a second chance to work out?
The following attempts to unlock the Case of the Ex are derived and concluded from a series of casual interviews over lunch, cocktails and online correspondences with a handful of Filipino men and women as young as 24 to as old as 37.
The interviews all seem to indicate a common truth: a purely platonic relationship with someone whom one had been physically or emotionally intimate with is impossible. There will always be a desire or a tendency to re-live memories and repeat old habits, even if both parties are already involved with their new partners. It is only out of ethical reasons that such desires and tendencies are not acted upon. (And ethics die in the spirit of alcohol or one single touch at the “wrong” place.”) For “friendship” to properly work under this set up, and without anyone ending up hurt because of concealed expectations, routines must be stopped and treatments must be different. There should no longer be any sort of displays of affection. An ex in this setting and an ordinary friend must be dealt with similarly. In the end, when one is really over an ex, the only sure way to be friends in a purely platonic level is through being civil – the hi and hello, I’m fine and so are you, bye and see you whenever type. No touch. No lust.
Small breakups do occur in most relationships. Some may take just a day while others may extend even to a couple of months. No guideline or formula can really determine what makes a boyfriend or a girlfriend an ex. It is a case-to-case thing and only the parties involved can tell when it is finally the end.
The respondents are mostly open to the idea of reviving a closed relationship; one even claiming that the heart is not selective: when it is really open, it grants access to all – regardless if an ex or not. However, the following factors seem to play a crucial role in deciding for another try:
It is usually hard to make a badly ended relationship work again. There are many who would not consider getting back with an ex who made a grave mistake, believing that lessons learned should be used to prevent history from repeating itself.
Meanwhile, there seems to be no wound that time cannot heal. Time gives room for people to accept and forgive. When both are achieved by both parties in their period of separation, then it becomes possible start anew.
Lastly, of course, current conditions should be considered. It cannot be serious when both are already married, unless they are in Hollywood. Right?
It takes effort to make things work in serious second chances. Things are easier when they remain trivial or when they downgrade from serious to trivial. There is a risk, however, of one being hurt as expectations cannot be avoided once old passions are re-kindled. It will entirely have to depend on who is brave enough to face the risk… or who is stupid enough to make the same mistake all over again.
Case closed.
I would like to thank the following persons for responding to my inquiries: Mr. Anonymous, Mr. Ex, Cat Ramos, Mrs. Cullen, Mr. “Outsider,” Ms. Fireness and MFV.
This is my first attempt to pull a Candace Bushnell (or a fictional Carrie Bradshaw. This is originally posted at my personal Multiply account.
Please feel free to get in touch with me if there is anything that you would like me to write about.
This is not a fantasy scenario. Time and again, men and women find themselves face-to-face with an ex — often unsure of whether to be open for relationships that range from the platonic to the romantic, or not.
It is said that when two former lovers remain friends, it can only either be that they are still in love with each other or are just carrying on the good sex. Can this be a general truth? How platonic can relationships with an ex really be? Are the typical 20 to 30-somethings open to second chances? If so, how likely is it then for a second chance to work out?
The following attempts to unlock the Case of the Ex are derived and concluded from a series of casual interviews over lunch, cocktails and online correspondences with a handful of Filipino men and women as young as 24 to as old as 37.
The interviews all seem to indicate a common truth: a purely platonic relationship with someone whom one had been physically or emotionally intimate with is impossible. There will always be a desire or a tendency to re-live memories and repeat old habits, even if both parties are already involved with their new partners. It is only out of ethical reasons that such desires and tendencies are not acted upon. (And ethics die in the spirit of alcohol or one single touch at the “wrong” place.”) For “friendship” to properly work under this set up, and without anyone ending up hurt because of concealed expectations, routines must be stopped and treatments must be different. There should no longer be any sort of displays of affection. An ex in this setting and an ordinary friend must be dealt with similarly. In the end, when one is really over an ex, the only sure way to be friends in a purely platonic level is through being civil – the hi and hello, I’m fine and so are you, bye and see you whenever type. No touch. No lust.
Small breakups do occur in most relationships. Some may take just a day while others may extend even to a couple of months. No guideline or formula can really determine what makes a boyfriend or a girlfriend an ex. It is a case-to-case thing and only the parties involved can tell when it is finally the end.
The respondents are mostly open to the idea of reviving a closed relationship; one even claiming that the heart is not selective: when it is really open, it grants access to all – regardless if an ex or not. However, the following factors seem to play a crucial role in deciding for another try:
- the reason and manner of the breakup
- the length of time apart
- the current status of both parties
It is usually hard to make a badly ended relationship work again. There are many who would not consider getting back with an ex who made a grave mistake, believing that lessons learned should be used to prevent history from repeating itself.
Meanwhile, there seems to be no wound that time cannot heal. Time gives room for people to accept and forgive. When both are achieved by both parties in their period of separation, then it becomes possible start anew.
Lastly, of course, current conditions should be considered. It cannot be serious when both are already married, unless they are in Hollywood. Right?
It takes effort to make things work in serious second chances. Things are easier when they remain trivial or when they downgrade from serious to trivial. There is a risk, however, of one being hurt as expectations cannot be avoided once old passions are re-kindled. It will entirely have to depend on who is brave enough to face the risk… or who is stupid enough to make the same mistake all over again.
Case closed.
I would like to thank the following persons for responding to my inquiries: Mr. Anonymous, Mr. Ex, Cat Ramos, Mrs. Cullen, Mr. “Outsider,” Ms. Fireness and MFV.
This is my first attempt to pull a Candace Bushnell (or a fictional Carrie Bradshaw. This is originally posted at my personal Multiply account.
Please feel free to get in touch with me if there is anything that you would like me to write about.
